In attempt of escaping myself

I have a tendency of letting go. I always find an excuse to go through things like my closet, photo albums, inbox, contact list, friends-list and get rid of a bunch of people and things, as well as the memories that come with them. Contrary to most people, I’m a sucker for change. Growing up I had been forced to change to often and exposed to different cities, new schools, new people and a new household so many times that the thing I hated the most… these “changes”, rather became a necessity.  Something I crave, can’t go on too long without. Its become a defense mechanism I suppose.

What is it about being surrounded by the same people or same things for a long time that gets so suffocating after a while? Maybe its not about them, it’s me. Maybe it’s me I get sick of, hence I seek a change in my life which would then force me to adapt to the new environment, essentially causing ME to change.

Could it be that it’s all just a struggle to find myself? Facing the world can be incredibly difficult when you feel as though you don’t even know yourself. You can’t trust your instincts, decisions, or choices when you’re constantly fearing that tomorrow you may wake up and be a completely different version of yourself. Yes, completely different. Some days I’ve literally woken up, with no explanation of why I did the things the day before. Be it as simple as buying those new pair of shoes that suddenly appear so-not-me, or why I ate something so horribly unhealthy, or why I said such cheesy things to that person whom I have no feelings for. No, I’m not schizophrenic, not yet at least. I just act on my impulse.

I either don’t trust myself at all, or I trust myself too much with being able to pull off a different-me every other day, in order to accommodate whatever it is that needs to be done. Letting go of anything of relating to the past makes it just that much easier. Gives me the opportunity for a new beginning. While, its easy for me to let go of things and start a new beginning with my wardrobe, friends circle, blog, twitter, facebook etc, too bad not every aspect of life comes with that option to restart. There isn’t always a delete button. While I keep trying to tell myself this, I know these tendencies of letting go or starting all over again won’t fade away anytime soon.

These are my repeated acts of lunacy, in attempt of escaping myself.